The Guardian featured a good article on people's regrets yesterday. I recommend reading it. There are lessons to be learned, and many of them are pretty simple.
It also made me think about the time I was writing my book 'The Courageous State'. That includes a chunk of economic theory that I suspect most people never read. I was seeking to explore what our real economic goals are and why we do, and don't, achieve them.
The goal I thought, and think, is to fulfil our material, intellectual and emotional potential and in the process (they are, I suggest, all related) achieve our purpose.
I suggested in the book that our material potential is limited. We are constrained by the capacity of the earth to sustain human life, which is both an absolute and relative constraint, the latter imposed by the rate of change. The duty we have, I suggested, is to impose no more change than that which lets succeeding generations survive without threat from our actions.
But what about constraints in other areas? Why can't we just achieve what we want? Why is it we all (I am generalising, but I suspect it is true) are unable to achieve our full potential? That I suggested is because others impose constraints upon us.
Some are material: I talk often enough about the burdens of debt, rent and interest here.
Some are systemic: these financial burdens are backed by an oppressive society that favours some over others.
But those favoured still seem constrained. Why is that? That's because of what we do to each other. The teacher or parent who put us down has a big burden to carry. The sex abuser has a greater one still. That's because what those who harm us do is reduce our capacity to be who we truly are. And as much as we struggle to achieve they are a countervailing force that says, in the most powerful of ways, that we can't.
I would suggest it's not possible to live a life without regret. I'm not using this space to discuss my own. What I am suggesting is that we should recognise the enormous potency of regret, including that from being unable to address abuse. And that we should encourage those with regrets to talk about the issues, and if possible to confront them in ways that help them.
The idea, so long embedded in too much of society, that there are distasteful issues best suppressed is wrong. We need to let the abused talk.
But we also need to accept the remorse of the abuser, if it is genuinely offered. As South Africa once knew, there is little more powerful than forgiveness genuinely offered. That does, of course, require real reform.
The world is having an appropriate moment of revelation at present. Many will regret it did not happen sooner. They will be right to do so. Removing oppression is key to freedom, and so much of that is unseen and unheard that the world has suffered too much torment.
But it is only by real reform that people will be set free. Some individuals will, of course, need to pay the price for what they have done. But it is only if the structural mechanisms that permit oppression are removed that real change will happen.
And then we can live with less regret.
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I think I will have to come back to that one Richard.
That deserves rather more consideration than I have time for just now. Hmm.
I hope I will not be thought to be too confessional here, but in response to a fellow affiliate of the Order of Julian of Norwich, who wrote this:
“Today is the time to tell people that we love them, because we may not have tomorrow to say it.”
I replied as follows:
“X, how right you are.
“To the end of my life I’ll regret the fact that I let my darling wife’s grumpiness the last time I saw her, when she almost chased me away – that I let that cause me meekly to agree, and say I’d see her in the afternoon session, after her lunch, instead of cradling her in my arms, telling her she was safe in the expert hands of the specialist pulmonary Hethel Ward at the Norfolk & Norwich University Hospital, kissing her, and telling her never to forget that I loved her.
“I know she wanted to be in charge of her own death, and die on her own terms, alone, but I still wish the last words she heard from me were that I loved her. It still hurts, so what you say is SO true.”
I left her at 12.15 pm, and she was dead two hours later. Being able to confront my failure here helps, in an odd way, as the excellent Emma Freud article makes clear, so this further public “confession” also helps. Thank you for your indulgence.
(Richard, if you feel this is too personal, feel free to block it)
Andrew
I really don’t doubt Marie knew
It was apparent to anyone
Thank you for personalising it
Richard
On a personal note, I deeply regret wasting my time at Oxford, and failing to recognise that I was being tutored by one of the premier scholars in the world in his field, and have piled up two further degrees, and two post-grad qualifications, as a sort of compensatory, even penitential, response to that failure.
On a more general note, how right you are that everyone should be free to develop their full potential, and barriers to that objective should be broken down. I know Marx has a – in many ways well-deserved – reputation for being the source of a philosophy that aimed at the exact opposite, producing a society in which the collective overrode the personal and individual, but it isn’t what he set out to do, as these amazing words from the Communist Manifesto show:
“we shall have an association, in which the free development of each is the condition for the free development of all.”(end of Chapter 2).
The individual, in other words, was to precede, and take priority over the collective, which is how it should be, providing always that each component – individual and collective – preserves proper respect for the other. So, no coercive collectivism, but also no egotistical individualism: instead, mutual respect.
Thanks Andrew
Edith Piaf, “Non, je ne regrette rien” as in Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Kvu6Kgp88
Richard,
Excellent piece and thanks for signposting it.
“The duty we have, I suggested, is to impose no more change than that which lets succeeding generations survive without threat from our actions.”
Hmmm ….. too complicated I think. I’ll go with treading lightly upon the Earth. But I think our ‘duty’ though I wouldn’t call it that, is do do the thing we are hard-wired to do and that is to attempt to create order out of chaos. That essentially is what all living organisms do. When they are being destructive it is because they are off the rails and something has gone dreadfully wrong.
As a postscript I would say from a personal point of view when I have been depressed, which I have been predominantly for the past three decades, I regret EVERYthing ……and when I am well I regret nothing, because there was a lesson learned.
As far as I know I have never been depressed (I count my blessings: I have witnessed much mental illness) but I still have regret
I know this sounds silly, but if regret causes mental pain then an analgesic designed for physical pain may well help.
Not my idea; I heard an edition of ‘All In the MInd’ in which a researcher was explaining that he was trying to obtain funding to research this properly in the face of much anecdotal evidence. It would appear that the neural pathways which transport physical and mental pain are the very same which is why, he hypothesises, we register mental distress as ‘pain.
Being miserable as sin at the time; which was an enduring condition I thought I had nothing to lose by giving it a try. He specifically mentioned Paracetamol and since I have no known aversion to paracetamol I took two tablets in the morning and within a week it felt as if my brain had turned 180 degrees to face forward rather than constantly dwelling on a past which seemed to me to be a catalogue of errors and lost opportunity.
The sudden and dramatic change may I suppose have been purely coincidental, but contingent upon what I cannot tell. Nothing else had changed except my outlook as far as I was aware.
When I mentioned this to my GP he said he had had a woman patient who dosed herself with Alka Seltzer to good effect so he was far from dismissive of the idea.
The pharmaceutical industry of course stoutly maintain this is bollox. But as Mandy Rice Davis observed, they would wouldn’t they?
Wow! That’s a big topic for the first day of the month, and one that over the ages has solicited responses from spiritual leaders, philosophers & psychologists to pop singers (“Je ne regrette rien ….”). So, undaunted, I’ll throw in my simple (simplistic?) 2 cents’ worth.
Whether we want them or not, regrets are a part of life. If clung to (attachment) they become a negative force (energy). However, if accepted and then released they become a pathway to more positive thought in the present and better action in the future.
PS : Thank you Andrew for sharing your moving story.
Someone sent me this yesterday, which, although I am not religious, I found interesting:-
A Gentle Reminder From Pope Francis
This life will go by fast.
Don’t fight with people, don’t criticize your body so much, don’t complain so much.
Don’t lose sleep over your bills. Look for the person that makes you happy. If you make a mistake, let it go and keep seeking your happiness.
Never stop being a good parent. Don’t worry so much about buying luxuries and comforts for your home, and don’t kill yourself trying to leave an inheritance for your family. Those benefits should be earned by each person, so don’t dedicate yourself to accumulating money.
Enjoy, travel, enjoy your journeys, see new places, give yourself the pleasures you deserve. Allow dogs to get closer. Don’t put away the fine glassware. Utilize the new dinnerware; don’t save your favorite perfume, use it to go out with yourself; wear out your favorite sport shoes; repeat your favorite clothes.
So what? That’s not bad. Why not now? Why not pray now instead of waiting until before you sleep? Why not call now? Why not forgive now? We wait so long for Christmas; for Friday; for Reunions; for another year; for when I have money; for love to come; when everything is perfect…look…
Everything perfect doesn’t exist. Human beings can’t accomplish this because it simply was not intended to be completed here. Here is an opportunity to learn.
So take this challenge that is life and do it now…love more, forgive more, embrace more, love more intensely and leave the rest in God’s hands. Amen.
Whether from a Pope of not much makes sense
As with most people I have regrets. I do regret spending time doing post graduate study in the pursuit of a career when my children were younger for example. I reassure myself sometimes by looking through the thousands of images I have taken of them over the years (so I must have spent time with them). It only takes the edge off slightly.
One of the things I also regret is how right I have been about my feelings on certain topics – personal and public ones. I do like to be wrong in such cases.
In order to cope with my regrets though I have also come to see them as part of a learning process – the begetting of wisdom. Apparently you learn best by doing and I think that making mistakes (often the cause of regret) really delivers the message to you – a message that you can then adopt going forward yourself and pass on to your children in the form of wisdom (hopefully).
Thank you Richard for this philosophical interlude. I will leave the last word (perhaps) to William Shakespeare whose words have offered comfort to me over the years of continually being in the midst of learning:
“They say best men are molded out of faults,
And, for the most, become much more the better
For being a little bad”
(Measure for Measure, Act 5 scene 1)
Bill spotted a truth, as he often did
And that is why we also need the capacity for forgiveness
Even as ‘events’ unfold tonight
I like that, Pilgrim.
Somebody said (and since it contains a germ of truth it matters not one jot who it was):
‘The person who never made a mistake never made anything’.
Yes Andy – I agree with that.
Why are the comments – on this and all others on this site, nearly all men?
Could it be your bullying towards women?
I accept comments from those who offer them
I comment as I see fit on the comment offered
I am wholly unaware of an accusation that I bully women. I do not accept abuse from where ever it comes, including from you on occassion and I do not think you can deny that yin have been in occassion.
I have a suspicion that more women comment than is apparent – some email addresses suggest that. I do not seek to expose that
Linda
Your comment is really, really cheap. I’m offended.
I’ve worked alongside women all my life and I’ve found bullying and sexually based predatory tendencies in both men and women. I have seen and been subject to abuses of power by men and women. I have also worked with and for some brilliant individuals – both men and women – in equal measure.
Work is a dangerous place. We become familiar with people and then the rules can be interpreted as having changed. Some loving and lasting relationships can come out of some of this behaviour. But there is also a lot wreckage generated too. Life is messy. People are complex. We need to condemn but understand in equal measure. If we understand then we can make things better.